1 00:00:09,661 --> 00:00:12,621 SAMIR: It's crazy times, guys, crazy times. 2 00:00:12,664 --> 00:00:14,275 So one side is saying, 3 00:00:14,318 --> 00:00:17,278 "Hey, people are killing each other with machine guns. 4 00:00:17,321 --> 00:00:20,846 "Maybe normal civilians shouldn't have machine guns, 5 00:00:20,890 --> 00:00:24,720 and only soldiers who are in an active ground war." 6 00:00:24,763 --> 00:00:26,678 And then the other side is saying, 7 00:00:26,722 --> 00:00:28,071 "Well, you can't take away machine guns 8 00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:29,986 "because of the Second Amendment. 9 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:32,554 "The Second Amendment, you can't regulate guns 10 00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:34,556 because of the Second Amendment." 11 00:00:34,599 --> 00:00:37,559 So, to be clear, your argument is 12 00:00:37,602 --> 00:00:40,475 that guns should have no regulations on them 13 00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:42,129 because of the Second Amendment, 14 00:00:42,172 --> 00:00:44,740 which literally starts with the words, 15 00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:48,352 "A well regulated." 16 00:00:48,396 --> 00:00:50,006 That's literally how it starts! 17 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:53,531 And the whole amendment has 27 words, 18 00:00:53,575 --> 00:00:57,013 and three of them are "a," "well," 19 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,363 and "regulated." 20 00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:02,062 That's 11.1%, folks. 21 00:01:02,105 --> 00:01:03,541 [light laughter] 22 00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:04,542 You know? 23 00:01:04,586 --> 00:01:05,978 I know what this guy's thinking. 24 00:01:06,022 --> 00:01:08,720 This guy's like, "But, Samir, 25 00:01:08,764 --> 00:01:10,418 11.1% isn't that much." 26 00:01:10,461 --> 00:01:12,985 But imagine you're on a plane, 27 00:01:13,029 --> 00:01:15,249 and halfway through your journey, the pilot comes on 28 00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:16,859 and he's like, "Hey, folks. 29 00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:18,600 "Classic good news, bad news. 30 00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:20,863 "Good news, we'll be getting you 31 00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:23,213 89% of the way there. 32 00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:25,041 Bad news, that puts us 33 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,391 at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. 34 00:01:27,435 --> 00:01:29,089 [light laughter] 35 00:01:31,656 --> 00:01:35,051 [throats clearing] 36 00:01:37,271 --> 00:01:38,576 [man sighs] 37 00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:42,145 All right. That's my time. Thank you. 38 00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:44,104 [indistinct chatter] 39 00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:50,327 Hey, Al. Uh, something cheap and brown. 40 00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:51,502 No ice. 41 00:01:53,809 --> 00:01:56,638 [ice clinking, drink pours] 42 00:01:56,681 --> 00:01:58,248 JOE: Looking good, Tiff. Huh? 43 00:01:58,292 --> 00:02:00,294 Special occasion, huh? Come on.Perfect. Thank you. 44 00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:01,817 WOMAN: Leave me alone. 45 00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:03,732 JOE: Let me try some new stuff on you. 46 00:02:03,775 --> 00:02:06,778 Hey, why do they call me the gravedigger, huh? 47 00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:08,650 'Cause I'd like to bury my face in those boobs. 48 00:02:08,693 --> 00:02:11,218 [laughing]Okay. Okay. 49 00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:13,785 Okay, here's some advice if you want some: 50 00:02:13,829 --> 00:02:15,918 maybe you should try putting some jokesin there. 51 00:02:15,961 --> 00:02:18,486 Yeah, well, I don't want to do jokes about cats versus dogs, 52 00:02:18,529 --> 00:02:19,878 and New York versus L.A., 53 00:02:19,922 --> 00:02:22,098 and airline food, and ethnic stereotypes, okay? 54 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,100 Didi? If you don't make people think, 55 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,058 your comedy's never going to matter. 56 00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:27,886 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. 57 00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:29,932 People likemy act, okay? 58 00:02:29,975 --> 00:02:32,761 I have 59,000 followers.Mm-hmm. 59 00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:34,806 So I should be more like Joe Donner 60 00:02:34,850 --> 00:02:36,460 and murder some people?MAN: Come on, what? 61 00:02:36,504 --> 00:02:39,463 Come on, you and me and a bottle of beer.WOMAN: No, thanks. 62 00:02:39,507 --> 00:02:40,812 Come on, baby. 63 00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:42,466 Come on, he didn't. 64 00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:44,251 He didn't. 65 00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:47,776 What? [laughing] 66 00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:50,648 The legal system ruled it wasn't murder. 67 00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:52,128 Yeah, they fucked that up. 68 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,216 But you know what? 69 00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,479 That is exactly your problem, Samir. 70 00:02:55,523 --> 00:02:56,654 Funny is funny. 71 00:02:56,698 --> 00:02:57,742 And that dude-- 72 00:02:57,786 --> 00:03:00,223 not you, but that dude-- 73 00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:01,181 is funny. 74 00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:04,227 Okay? 75 00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:06,011 No, that's... 76 00:03:06,925 --> 00:03:08,144 Okay. Well, good talk. 77 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,798 Hey, could you put that all in an e-mail 78 00:03:09,841 --> 00:03:11,191 and, uh, send it to the ocean? 79 00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:13,541 Yeah, sure. Hey, could you suck my vagina? 80 00:03:13,584 --> 00:03:14,933 [laughing] 81 00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:18,285 What matters is not followers. 82 00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:20,678 What matters is adjusted...Gross income. 83 00:03:20,722 --> 00:03:23,725 Yeah, we all know that JC Wheel... 84 00:03:23,768 --> 00:03:26,380 JC Wheeler. 85 00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:29,426 Ah. In the fleshy flesh. 86 00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:30,601 Oh, man, I-- 87 00:03:30,645 --> 00:03:31,994 Hey, can-- hey, 88 00:03:32,037 --> 00:03:34,997 I am such a fan of yours. 89 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,478 I mean, I know everyone's a fan of yours, but I'm the... 90 00:03:37,521 --> 00:03:39,610 Thank you.How's your day? 91 00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:41,177 What've you been doing? 92 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:44,267 Man. You were everywhere and then you just disappeared. 93 00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:46,313 You had it all. What happened? 94 00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:49,054 I had it all. 95 00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:53,058 Hey, I saw your set.Oh, you did? 96 00:03:53,102 --> 00:03:56,192 Oh, man-- feel free to tell me to go fuck myself, 97 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,976 but if you have any notes for me 98 00:03:58,020 --> 00:03:59,630 or anything, I'll give you anything. 99 00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:01,023 I'll give you my dog. 100 00:04:01,066 --> 00:04:03,286 Well, it's not my dog. It's my girlfriend's dog. 101 00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:04,679 But we've been dating since high school, 102 00:04:04,722 --> 00:04:06,028 so it's basically my dog. 103 00:04:06,071 --> 00:04:07,464 My dog, her dog. Dog's a dog. 104 00:04:07,508 --> 00:04:08,683 Your dog if you want it. 105 00:04:08,726 --> 00:04:10,946 See, all this shit is funny. 106 00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:13,209 Funnier than the Second Amendment, I'll tell you that. 107 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,864 Well, obviously, it's not the amendment that's funny. 108 00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:17,431 What I find funny is the fraudulent... 109 00:04:17,474 --> 00:04:18,562 Next. 110 00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:19,563 What? 111 00:04:19,607 --> 00:04:21,696 Next topic. 112 00:04:21,739 --> 00:04:24,133 [chuckles] That's funny. 113 00:04:24,176 --> 00:04:25,700 But seriously, if you have any notes 114 00:04:25,743 --> 00:04:26,701 for me, you know... 115 00:04:26,744 --> 00:04:28,398 You want notes? Yeah. 116 00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:29,921 Fuck politics. 117 00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:33,751 The audience don't care about what you think. 118 00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:35,449 They care about you. 119 00:04:35,492 --> 00:04:36,580 Right. 120 00:04:36,624 --> 00:04:38,016 Yeah, I know everyone says 121 00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:39,409 be personal, truth in comedy, 122 00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:42,107 but don't you think that's a bit of a cop-out? 123 00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:44,545 The audience doesn't want to hear you make points. 124 00:04:44,588 --> 00:04:46,242 You dating a high school girl? 125 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,157 Now that'sinteresting.Oh. 126 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:49,724 I'm not dating a high school girl. We... 127 00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:52,074 Now that's comedy. 128 00:04:52,117 --> 00:04:54,381 Right, but isn't that gross and exhibitionistic? 129 00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:56,644 Isn't the whole point to provide insight 130 00:04:56,687 --> 00:04:58,298 into the human condition? 131 00:04:58,341 --> 00:05:00,300 Provide insight, huh. 132 00:05:01,866 --> 00:05:03,738 What do you want? 133 00:05:03,781 --> 00:05:05,392 Are you happy with your life? 134 00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:06,567 With your career? 135 00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,786 Don't you want it all? 136 00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:14,183 Yes. More than anything. 137 00:05:16,272 --> 00:05:18,492 You have one thing. 138 00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:20,276 One natural resource. 139 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,584 You are a country with one export. 140 00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:26,326 And you are the export. 141 00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:28,545 I'll tell you a secret. 142 00:05:28,589 --> 00:05:32,810 Put yourself out there and you willget laughs. 143 00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:35,596 You willbe successful. 144 00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:39,077 Are you sure... that's what you want? 145 00:05:40,165 --> 00:05:41,689 Yes. 146 00:05:41,732 --> 00:05:43,560 Now you have to be sure to be sure. 147 00:05:43,604 --> 00:05:45,388 'Cause once you put it out there... 148 00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:48,783 the audience will take it in. They will connect. 149 00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:52,308 And once they connect to it... 150 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,440 it's theirs. 151 00:05:53,483 --> 00:05:56,138 And once it's theirs... 152 00:05:56,181 --> 00:05:59,315 that shit is gone forever. 153 00:06:01,186 --> 00:06:05,321 Listen, my life is okay. It's fine. 154 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:08,019 But you don't choose comedy because you want a fine life, 155 00:06:08,063 --> 00:06:12,023 you choose comedy because you want it all. 156 00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:14,461 Hmm. 157 00:06:17,594 --> 00:06:19,030 Well, okay, then. 158 00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:29,911 [loud laughter]Right? Right? 159 00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:33,915 [cheers and applause]And let me tell you, your next guest 160 00:06:33,958 --> 00:06:35,395 needs no introduction. 161 00:06:35,438 --> 00:06:36,526 I'm Joe Donner. 162 00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:38,572 And you're a bunch of fucking idiots! 163 00:06:38,615 --> 00:06:40,443 [cheering and applause] 164 00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:43,533 [belches, blows] 165 00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:52,542 [microphone feedback] 166 00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:58,505 Hi, everybody. Hi. 167 00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:01,899 So, the Second Amendment, which people use to justify 168 00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:04,032 having their, uh, uh, 169 00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:06,469 having no regulations on guns, um, 170 00:07:06,513 --> 00:07:11,082 actually begins with the words, "A well regulated." 171 00:07:11,126 --> 00:07:13,171 [microphone feedback] 172 00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:15,957 11.1 perc-- percent of the whole thing. 173 00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:24,487 I wish you could all see your own faces right now. 174 00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:27,011 You have the exact expression that my dog has 175 00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:28,535 when she's taking a shit. 176 00:07:28,578 --> 00:07:29,536 [laughter] 177 00:07:33,104 --> 00:07:34,976 Like, "Don't look at me." 178 00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:37,587 "Why are you here watching this?" 179 00:07:37,631 --> 00:07:40,982 [laughter]"There has to be a better way to do this." 180 00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:47,554 Okay. Okay, you want to talk about this? 181 00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:49,033 Okay, I-I love my dog. 182 00:07:49,077 --> 00:07:52,254 The other day, she peed on my pizza. 183 00:07:52,297 --> 00:07:53,734 [laughter] 184 00:07:53,777 --> 00:07:55,083 But that's my fault. 185 00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:56,824 I shouldn't have yelled at her 186 00:07:56,867 --> 00:07:58,739 while she was standing on my pizza. 187 00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:00,784 [laughter] 188 00:08:00,828 --> 00:08:03,961 [applause] 189 00:08:04,005 --> 00:08:05,789 But I-- She's cool. 190 00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:07,835 Um, her name is Cat. 191 00:08:07,878 --> 00:08:09,532 [laughter] 192 00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:11,665 Which I know soundslike a stupid name for a dog, 193 00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:15,582 but that's only because it is a stupid name for a dog. 194 00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:17,148 [laughter] 195 00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:20,021 It's even stupider when you realize 196 00:08:20,064 --> 00:08:22,763 it's actually short for Cat-erpillar. 197 00:08:22,806 --> 00:08:25,156 [loud laughter and applause] 198 00:08:29,639 --> 00:08:31,598 [people whooping] 199 00:08:54,751 --> 00:08:56,405 [drops keys] 200 00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:04,674 [whispering]: Cat. 201 00:09:04,718 --> 00:09:07,895 Cat. Come here, baby. 202 00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:12,203 [clicking tongue] Cat. Cat. 203 00:09:13,378 --> 00:09:15,555 Cat? 204 00:09:26,696 --> 00:09:28,219 Hey, Rena? 205 00:09:28,263 --> 00:09:29,612 I really killed tonight. 206 00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:34,008 It's my best set ever.[exhales] Mm. 207 00:09:34,051 --> 00:09:35,313 That's great. 208 00:09:35,357 --> 00:09:37,838 They were laughing at stuff I was saying, 209 00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:39,274 at the punch lines. 210 00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:41,842 And at the end, they cheered so hard, I was like, 211 00:09:41,885 --> 00:09:43,670 "What's that?" and I was like, "Oh, 212 00:09:43,713 --> 00:09:45,410 that's for me." 213 00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:47,587 I've never felt anything like it. 214 00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:51,591 Hey, where's Cat? 215 00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,636 Huh? 216 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,030 No, you just sleep. I'm gonna go walk the dog, 217 00:09:56,073 --> 00:09:57,205 but I can't find her. 218 00:09:57,248 --> 00:10:00,338 Oh, I thought you said "dog." 219 00:10:00,382 --> 00:10:03,646 Yeah. Cat. Where's Cat? 220 00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:06,301 Oh, my God, you didn't leave the door open, did you? 221 00:10:07,737 --> 00:10:09,913 Or the window? 222 00:10:09,957 --> 00:10:12,437 I don't know what this game is, Samir, but I'm trying to sleep. 223 00:10:12,481 --> 00:10:15,397 Our dog, Rena. Where's our dog? 224 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,528 What? 225 00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:19,706 We don't have a dog or a cat, Samir. 226 00:10:19,749 --> 00:10:21,708 You're so annoying. 227 00:10:34,242 --> 00:10:38,725 NARRATOR: Samir Wassan is an artist of great principle. 228 00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:41,728 A man who refuses to compromise his beliefs 229 00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:43,773 for a cheap joke. 230 00:10:43,817 --> 00:10:47,081 But tonight, he felt the rush of the limelight 231 00:10:47,124 --> 00:10:49,431 for the first time. 232 00:10:49,474 --> 00:10:51,563 Now, he'll have to decide 233 00:10:51,607 --> 00:10:55,567 what really matters to him when the laughter stops. 234 00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:59,789 And how much he's willing to give... to The Twilight Zone. 235 00:11:01,791 --> 00:11:03,445 [The Twilight Zonetheme playing] 236 00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:05,142 NARRATOR: You're traveling through another dimension, 237 00:11:05,186 --> 00:11:08,580 a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. 238 00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:11,758 It is the middle ground between light and shadow, 239 00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:14,586 between science and superstition. 240 00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:17,241 And it lies between the pit of one's fears 241 00:11:17,285 --> 00:11:19,896 and the summit of one's knowledge. 242 00:11:19,940 --> 00:11:23,073 You are now traveling through a dimension of imagination. 243 00:11:23,117 --> 00:11:27,338 You've just crossed over into The Twilight Zone. 244 00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:36,086 DEVEN: What happened to that bus stop? 245 00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:38,480 SAMIR: There's a very bad man who's another comic here, 246 00:11:38,523 --> 00:11:40,700 he got drunk and drove into it. People died. 247 00:11:40,743 --> 00:11:42,702 Anyway, could you give me a hand here? 248 00:11:44,616 --> 00:11:46,227 Is this a part of your act? 249 00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:48,403 No. I had to google Jack Russell Terriers 250 00:11:48,446 --> 00:11:50,797 because I couldn't find any pictures of Cat on my phone, 251 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,015 which is so strange, 252 00:11:52,059 --> 00:11:53,625 'cause I take pictures of her all the time. 253 00:11:53,669 --> 00:11:55,845 I don't get it. Who's Cat? 254 00:11:55,889 --> 00:11:57,934 Oh, okay. 255 00:11:57,978 --> 00:11:59,414 Rena put you up to this. 256 00:11:59,457 --> 00:12:01,329 Okay. Okay.What? 257 00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:03,679 What? No. I like seeing you do stand-up. 258 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,160 You know what? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 259 00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:07,944 You and Rena do your hilarious prank. 260 00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:09,076 It's very funny. 261 00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:10,642 Very funny. 262 00:12:10,686 --> 00:12:12,209 Come on. 263 00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:14,385 [jazz music playing] 264 00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:19,564 Hey, uh, is JC Wheeler here today? 265 00:12:19,608 --> 00:12:21,436 [chuckles]: Yeah, right. 266 00:12:21,479 --> 00:12:23,133 That sign's so funny. 267 00:12:23,177 --> 00:12:24,744 "No apostrophes." 268 00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:28,008 Yeah, you might be the target audience. 269 00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:29,400 I don't get it. 270 00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:30,793 'Cause the club's called Eddies, 271 00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:33,361 but you'd think that it would be Eddie's. 272 00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:35,015 But then this sign's saying that, 273 00:12:35,058 --> 00:12:37,147 no, it isactually Eddie's, 274 00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:40,803 it's just that we don't allow apostrophes, so now it's Eddies. 275 00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:42,326 That isfunny. 276 00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:43,893 Yeah, it's really clever. 277 00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:46,069 DIDI: Hey, girls. 278 00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:47,679 What is this? Community service? 279 00:12:47,723 --> 00:12:49,029 Oh, this is Deven, my nephew. 280 00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:50,204 He's, uh, staying with me. 281 00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:51,814 Actually, I'm Rena's nephew. 282 00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:53,773 Oh, shit! 283 00:12:53,816 --> 00:12:55,078 He said check your lane. 284 00:12:55,122 --> 00:12:56,558 He did not say "check your lane." 285 00:12:56,601 --> 00:12:57,994 He said check your bitch-ass lane. 286 00:12:58,038 --> 00:12:59,866 SAMIR: Don't say the-- any of the bad words. 287 00:12:59,909 --> 00:13:01,563 He's staying with us. 288 00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:02,956 He's in from out of town. 289 00:13:02,999 --> 00:13:04,305 Hey, handsome. 290 00:13:04,348 --> 00:13:08,526 So, you seen Uncle Samir do his "comedy" before, 291 00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:11,747 or is this the first time you've had the "privilege"? 292 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,010 I've seen him do it a couple of times, 293 00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:15,795 but you know, you're actually kind of 294 00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:17,753 what made me want to be a stand-up comic. 295 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,015 Just like you. 296 00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:20,756 Oh, that's so nice. Thank you for telling me. 297 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,410 DEVEN: Well, I mean, 298 00:13:22,453 --> 00:13:24,716 not justlike you. I kind of want to be, like... 299 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,850 you know, a goodcomedian? 300 00:13:27,894 --> 00:13:31,245 Oh, shit!Language. 301 00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:33,900 Nephew's funny, dude.All right. 302 00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:35,423 Okay, um, I got to use the restroom 303 00:13:35,466 --> 00:13:37,077 before I get up on stage. 304 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,601 Why don't you just take a shit on stage like you did last time? 305 00:13:39,644 --> 00:13:46,216 And three of the 27 words are, "A well regulated." 306 00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:49,219 [phones chiming] 307 00:13:56,183 --> 00:13:59,447 Geez. You know what? 308 00:13:59,490 --> 00:14:01,144 Maybe I'll pull out my phone, too. 309 00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:03,494 Maybe we can text, you know? 310 00:14:03,538 --> 00:14:05,192 What's everyone's phone number? 311 00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:07,542 You guys are just like my nephew. 312 00:14:07,585 --> 00:14:09,109 I can only get through to him 313 00:14:09,152 --> 00:14:12,808 if I text him.[laughter] 314 00:14:17,073 --> 00:14:18,205 Yeah. 315 00:14:18,248 --> 00:14:20,468 Hey, 316 00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:22,470 asshole.[laughter] 317 00:14:22,513 --> 00:14:24,428 Get off your phone, I'm talking about you. 318 00:14:24,472 --> 00:14:27,649 [applause and laughter] 319 00:14:27,692 --> 00:14:30,434 He's ten years old, he's ten, 320 00:14:30,478 --> 00:14:33,829 and he was making fun of my act earlier tonight. 321 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,265 He was! 322 00:14:35,309 --> 00:14:37,180 He was saying I'm not funny. 323 00:14:37,224 --> 00:14:39,226 He's ten. 324 00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:41,402 Actually, he's not even my nephew. 325 00:14:41,445 --> 00:14:43,447 I don't know if that makes it better or worse. 326 00:14:43,491 --> 00:14:45,145 No, it actually makes it worse 327 00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:47,495 'cause if he was my nephew, at least the family 328 00:14:47,538 --> 00:14:49,018 would be coming out on top, 329 00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:52,761 but this way...[applause] 330 00:14:52,804 --> 00:14:56,243 This way, just some random ten-year-old is dunking on me. 331 00:14:56,286 --> 00:14:57,592 [laughter] 332 00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:02,989 Deven Singh, everyone. 333 00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:05,165 Give it up for Deven Singh. 334 00:15:05,208 --> 00:15:07,732 [applause and cheering] 335 00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:16,567 MAN: Congrats, man. That was awesome. 336 00:15:16,611 --> 00:15:19,701 Damn. You brought it. 337 00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:22,095 That was actually a good set. 338 00:15:22,138 --> 00:15:24,488 Thanks to Deven. Have you seen him, by the way? 339 00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:26,360 I hope I didn't embarrass him too much. 340 00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:28,362 Okay, who are we talking about right now? 341 00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:31,931 My nephew, my girlfriend's nephew. Wants to be a comedian, 342 00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:33,758 but better than me. 343 00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:35,673 I don't know what the hell you're talking about, 344 00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:37,458 but I think I just hit 345 00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:39,808 my Samir limit. 346 00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:49,905 Hey, did you guys see a little boy come out here? 347 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,559 Did you guys see a little boy, 348 00:15:51,602 --> 00:15:53,430 like, a ten-year-old boy come out here at all? 349 00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:54,866 WOMAN: Haven't seen him. Sorry. 350 00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:57,260 Hey, did you guys see a little boy come out here? 351 00:15:57,304 --> 00:16:00,307 Like, a leather jacket, he's Indian? Sorry, dude. 352 00:16:00,350 --> 00:16:02,352 Deven? 353 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,618 Deven! 354 00:16:09,925 --> 00:16:12,362 Call Deven Singh.[phone chimes] 355 00:16:12,406 --> 00:16:14,321 AUTOMATED VOICE: Did you mean Anisha Singh? 356 00:16:14,364 --> 00:16:16,323 Call Deven Singh. 357 00:16:16,366 --> 00:16:17,933 [phone chimes]AUTOMATED VOICE: Okay. 358 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:21,067 No, no, no. Call Deven.[phone chimes] 359 00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:23,591 AUTOMATED VOICE: I don't see "Deven" in your contacts. 360 00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:26,246 Should I look for locations by that name? 361 00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:27,987 [phone chimes] 362 00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:44,003 ♪ 363 00:16:58,191 --> 00:17:00,323 Hey, have you heard from... 364 00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,804 You see, the laws... 365 00:17:02,847 --> 00:17:04,980 Samir. It's lovely to see you. 366 00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,982 RENA: Hey, baby. How was your show? 367 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,028 I didn't know you were gonna have company tonight. 368 00:17:10,768 --> 00:17:12,727 We were just talking about comedy. 369 00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:14,729 I was making the case that it is art, 370 00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:15,904 just as much as theater, 371 00:17:15,947 --> 00:17:19,212 or literature, or paintings. 372 00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:20,648 Hold on one second, David. 373 00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:23,085 You know, I have a lot of respect for what you do. 374 00:17:23,129 --> 00:17:25,131 Thank you. 375 00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:27,829 Um, can I talk to you real quick? It's about Deven. 376 00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:30,179 Who? Deven. Can we talk over here, please? 377 00:17:30,223 --> 00:17:31,789 Who's Deven again? 378 00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:34,096 Is that Fran's boyfriend?Deven. Your sister's son. 379 00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:38,274 I don't like that joke. You know Anisha can't have kids. 380 00:17:38,318 --> 00:17:40,189 But that's just it, see? 381 00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:43,366 Comedy has to go to these dark places because 382 00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:45,716 it's art.That is bullshit. 383 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:48,458 He's in this picture right here.What I'm saying is, 384 00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:50,199 if he doesn't push the boundaries, 385 00:17:50,243 --> 00:17:51,809 [fading]: he's as derelict... 386 00:17:51,853 --> 00:17:53,028 ...if I were to let an innocent man 387 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,683 go to prison. It really is no different. 388 00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:57,163 Don't you remember? He was in this picture. 389 00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:59,643 He was wearing that leather jacket and I made fun of him. 390 00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:02,820 I called him The Fonz, and he was like, 391 00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:05,084 "Who's that? You're so old." 392 00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:11,873 Baby... 393 00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:20,229 He's just gone. 394 00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:22,188 Anisha never even had him. 395 00:18:22,231 --> 00:18:25,104 Oh, my God, now you're worrying about my sister? 396 00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:28,672 You're right. 397 00:18:28,716 --> 00:18:30,718 You-You-You're right, 398 00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:33,199 I shouldn't be worrying about her 'cause-- [stammers] 399 00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:36,245 there never was a Deven, so it's not like he's dead. 400 00:18:36,289 --> 00:18:37,681 He just never existed, 401 00:18:37,725 --> 00:18:39,248 so it's not like I killed him. 402 00:18:39,292 --> 00:18:41,424 Okay, now you're scaring me. 403 00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:42,730 Are you all right, Samir? 404 00:18:42,773 --> 00:18:43,861 What happened tonight? 405 00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:45,907 Are you feeling okay? 406 00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:47,343 SAMIR: It was JC Wheeler. 407 00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:48,562 JC Wheeler told me... 408 00:18:48,605 --> 00:18:50,129 Whoa, whoa, you met JC Wheeler? 409 00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:52,087 Yeah, he was at the club last night. 410 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,480 That is so cool. 411 00:18:53,523 --> 00:18:55,743 JC Wheeler told me I need to put myself out there, 412 00:18:55,786 --> 00:18:57,701 that I need to be more personal on stage, 413 00:18:57,745 --> 00:18:59,181 and then people would connect to it, 414 00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:01,401 and then people would relate to me, 415 00:19:01,444 --> 00:19:05,187 and then... [gasps] 416 00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:07,537 it would be gone forever. 417 00:19:11,324 --> 00:19:13,500 Please don't put me in the mental hospital. 418 00:19:13,543 --> 00:19:16,503 Why the mental hospital? 419 00:19:16,546 --> 00:19:18,983 You got one picked out? 420 00:19:20,115 --> 00:19:22,291 [laughs] 421 00:19:22,335 --> 00:19:24,728 There he is. There's my guy. 422 00:19:24,772 --> 00:19:25,990 It's okay, Samir. 423 00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:28,558 Look, I think what you're describing 424 00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:29,907 might be a good thing. 425 00:19:29,951 --> 00:19:32,780 The feeling that if you put something out there 426 00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:34,956 from your real life, you'll get laughs. 427 00:19:34,999 --> 00:19:37,001 That sounds like therapy to me. 428 00:19:37,045 --> 00:19:38,177 You work through these things 429 00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:40,091 so that you could free yourself from them. 430 00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:42,442 It's terrifying to put yourself out there, 431 00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:44,226 but it's true what they say, 432 00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:47,142 "Sunlight really is the best disinfectant." 433 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:50,058 Okay, okay, David, I'm-I'm sorry. Would you mind? 434 00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:52,147 Oh, say no more.[chuckles] 435 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:53,670 [clicks tongue] 436 00:19:57,979 --> 00:19:59,633 [sighs] 437 00:19:59,676 --> 00:20:04,028 You have been at this for five years, five. 438 00:20:04,072 --> 00:20:05,726 And I've been very supportive, 439 00:20:05,769 --> 00:20:07,162 but if you've finally found the thing 440 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,077 that can help you find your audience, 441 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,427 how are you not gonna throw yourself at that? 442 00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:15,301 Well, what about the part where things get... 443 00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:16,998 erased? 444 00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:18,260 DAVID: She's right, you know. 445 00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:20,349 Art is the noblest pursuit in the world, but... 446 00:20:20,393 --> 00:20:21,916 it's not paying the rent. 447 00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:24,353 [whispering]: I'm sorry. 448 00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:42,415 COMIC: But what I really like, what I really like 449 00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:45,940 is when people spell curse words using asterisks. 450 00:20:45,983 --> 00:20:48,203 You've seen this? You know what I'm talking about? It's like... 451 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:51,293 I guess asterisks are kind of like the chastity belt 452 00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:54,557 of the vowel world, in the vowel community. 453 00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:56,907 I was looking for you. 454 00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:59,258 Heard you were great the last couple nights. 455 00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:02,043 Congrats, kid, you're headlining. 456 00:21:02,086 --> 00:21:04,393 Oh. Thank you. 457 00:21:04,437 --> 00:21:06,743 [laughing] Hey. 458 00:21:06,787 --> 00:21:10,138 Don't fuck it up. Huh? 459 00:21:10,181 --> 00:21:11,879 Who am I kidding? Come on, it's you, 460 00:21:11,922 --> 00:21:14,621 of course you're gonna fuck it up. 461 00:21:14,664 --> 00:21:16,884 Hey, I'm just messing with you. 462 00:21:16,927 --> 00:21:19,930 EMCEE: ...very funny guy, Samir Wassan! 463 00:21:19,974 --> 00:21:22,106 [cheering and applause] 464 00:21:24,457 --> 00:21:25,893 MAN: All right! 465 00:21:25,936 --> 00:21:28,112 [people whooping] 466 00:21:30,027 --> 00:21:32,203 SAMIR: Thank you. 467 00:21:32,247 --> 00:21:34,945 So a lot of people use the Second Amendment 468 00:21:34,989 --> 00:21:38,558 as an excuse to say that guns shouldn't be regulated, 469 00:21:38,601 --> 00:21:39,950 except that the Second Amendment 470 00:21:39,994 --> 00:21:42,736 actually starts with the words, "A well 471 00:21:42,779 --> 00:21:45,042 regulated." 472 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,006 I have a ten-year-old nephew, 473 00:21:52,049 --> 00:21:54,617 and the other day he was making fun of my act. 474 00:21:54,661 --> 00:21:56,184 He's ten years old. 475 00:21:56,227 --> 00:21:59,405 He's ten. 476 00:21:59,448 --> 00:22:00,971 Right. 477 00:22:01,015 --> 00:22:03,670 [quietly]: I don't have a nephew anymore. 478 00:22:03,713 --> 00:22:04,845 [woman clears throat] 479 00:22:04,888 --> 00:22:07,761 How about this president, huh? 480 00:22:07,804 --> 00:22:10,981 I don't want to say he's a fascist dickhead 481 00:22:11,025 --> 00:22:14,594 who should be hung by his nuts in the public square, 482 00:22:14,637 --> 00:22:17,858 but only because I don't want to talk to the Secret Service. 483 00:22:23,559 --> 00:22:25,344 WOMAN: Oh, man. 484 00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:38,139 Hey, uh, give it up for the guy who was on stage 485 00:22:38,182 --> 00:22:40,489 right before me.[light laughter] 486 00:22:40,533 --> 00:22:42,926 MAN: Yeah!He's funny, right? 487 00:22:42,970 --> 00:22:46,103 He really crushed. 488 00:22:46,147 --> 00:22:49,063 Didn't he? [cheering] 489 00:22:49,106 --> 00:22:52,066 Not as badly as he crushed a mom and her baby 490 00:22:52,109 --> 00:22:53,937 at the bus stop across the street. 491 00:22:53,981 --> 00:22:55,809 [audience oohing] 492 00:22:55,852 --> 00:22:57,637 I'm not joking! He did that. 493 00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,160 [laughter] 494 00:22:59,203 --> 00:23:02,337 That mangled bus stop across the street... 495 00:23:02,381 --> 00:23:03,730 [applause] 496 00:23:03,773 --> 00:23:05,384 ...that's his best work! That's his biggest credit! 497 00:23:05,427 --> 00:23:06,994 [laughter] 498 00:23:07,037 --> 00:23:08,996 It was in the news. 499 00:23:09,039 --> 00:23:10,998 He got away with it, though. 500 00:23:11,041 --> 00:23:13,479 And you saw his act, you-you wouldn't think a guy 501 00:23:13,522 --> 00:23:15,829 with a hateful, misogynistic act like that 502 00:23:15,872 --> 00:23:17,526 would also be a drunk driver. 503 00:23:17,570 --> 00:23:19,310 No, actually, that stands. 504 00:23:19,354 --> 00:23:20,399 That makes sense. 505 00:23:22,052 --> 00:23:23,402 Give it up for 506 00:23:23,445 --> 00:23:24,838 human piece of shit, 507 00:23:24,881 --> 00:23:26,448 Joe Donner. 508 00:23:26,492 --> 00:23:28,798 [cheers and applause][Joe laughing] 509 00:23:41,855 --> 00:23:44,640 'Cause he didn't smash into it, 510 00:23:44,684 --> 00:23:47,382 because he doesn't exist. 511 00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:50,472 Hey, hey, you're the... Hey, you totally killed tonight. 512 00:23:50,516 --> 00:23:53,780 Oh, thank you. You know, I actually un-killed two people. 513 00:23:53,823 --> 00:23:55,521 [laughs]This is you, right? 514 00:23:55,564 --> 00:23:57,131 Yup.I am following you 515 00:23:57,174 --> 00:23:58,480 right now. [laughs] 516 00:23:58,524 --> 00:23:59,655 Oh, thank you so much. 517 00:23:59,699 --> 00:24:01,875 Don't drink and drive, okay?All right. 518 00:24:01,918 --> 00:24:04,791 Just like Joe Donner didn't anymore. 519 00:24:04,834 --> 00:24:06,575 Okay.You're so funny. 520 00:24:06,619 --> 00:24:08,882 He is.I also saved two lives. 521 00:24:08,925 --> 00:24:11,450 One was a baby! 522 00:24:21,503 --> 00:24:24,593 [scribbling] 523 00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:46,833 [audience laughing] SAMIR: I knew this kid 524 00:24:46,876 --> 00:24:49,749 in high school, he was a prick! 525 00:24:49,792 --> 00:24:51,751 Just a bad guy. 526 00:24:51,794 --> 00:24:54,231 He was mean, he was a bully. 527 00:24:56,190 --> 00:24:58,584 But you know what? It's not fair to judge someone 528 00:24:58,627 --> 00:25:00,629 by how they were in high school, right? 529 00:25:00,673 --> 00:25:02,501 People change. 530 00:25:02,544 --> 00:25:04,851 They grow, they learn. 531 00:25:06,069 --> 00:25:07,331 So I looked him up online. 532 00:25:07,375 --> 00:25:10,030 Now he works for Doctors Without Borders. 533 00:25:10,073 --> 00:25:14,338 Oh, you horrible pieces of shit. 534 00:25:14,382 --> 00:25:18,517 I'm joking. Jamie Benson murdered his fiancée. 535 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:20,562 [laughter] 536 00:25:20,606 --> 00:25:23,434 He did! 537 00:25:23,478 --> 00:25:25,088 Yes! 538 00:25:25,132 --> 00:25:26,829 I love being right! 539 00:25:26,873 --> 00:25:28,657 [audience cheering] Great! 540 00:25:28,701 --> 00:25:32,574 Not so great for his fiancée-- rest in peace. She's gone now. 541 00:25:32,618 --> 00:25:36,926 More like Murderers With Borders, am I right? 542 00:25:36,970 --> 00:25:39,755 Sometimes the covers do tell you a fair amount 543 00:25:39,799 --> 00:25:43,324 about the book, don't they? 544 00:25:43,367 --> 00:25:46,327 [cheering] 545 00:25:50,026 --> 00:25:51,637 Cheap and brown, 546 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,552 no ice.You know it, Al. 547 00:26:00,123 --> 00:26:02,691 O-Or what about Coach Keller? 548 00:26:02,735 --> 00:26:05,389 Oh, yeah. That was crazy. 549 00:26:05,433 --> 00:26:08,479 I guess we just didn't know how crazy it was at the time. 550 00:26:08,523 --> 00:26:10,220 Uh, I knew. 551 00:26:10,264 --> 00:26:13,397 Man, there really are a lot of loathsome psychopaths 552 00:26:13,441 --> 00:26:14,660 in the world, huh? 553 00:26:14,703 --> 00:26:16,792 Thank God you're not a loathsome psychopath. 554 00:26:16,836 --> 00:26:19,447 That's the most romantic thing 555 00:26:19,490 --> 00:26:21,841 you've ever said to me. 556 00:26:21,884 --> 00:26:24,583 Uh-oh! Oh! 557 00:26:24,626 --> 00:26:27,281 Ah! Why are you screaming? 558 00:26:27,324 --> 00:26:29,022 I thought it might get on my coat. 559 00:26:29,065 --> 00:26:30,153 What about my face? 560 00:26:30,197 --> 00:26:31,633 This is my favorite coat, 561 00:26:31,677 --> 00:26:34,680 and it is so much more expensive than your face, baby. 562 00:26:34,723 --> 00:26:36,464 I'm sorry. 563 00:26:36,507 --> 00:26:38,727 What are you doing?Pizza face! 564 00:26:38,771 --> 00:26:41,425 [screaming, laughing] 565 00:26:41,469 --> 00:26:43,689 ♪ 566 00:26:43,732 --> 00:26:45,865 [phone chimes] 567 00:27:09,192 --> 00:27:12,065 SAMIR: So you know how, in school, rumors would get started, 568 00:27:12,108 --> 00:27:13,588 and it didn't even matter 569 00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:17,026 if they were true or not, it would just become legend? 570 00:27:17,070 --> 00:27:18,767 You know what I'm talking about? 571 00:27:18,811 --> 00:27:20,813 Well, unless the Times 572 00:27:20,856 --> 00:27:24,904 and a jury of his peers were being huge gossips, 573 00:27:24,947 --> 00:27:27,907 [laughter] that rumor about 574 00:27:27,950 --> 00:27:31,562 Coach Keller 575 00:27:31,606 --> 00:27:34,130 being a pervert who preyed on kids? 576 00:27:34,174 --> 00:27:35,654 That rumor was true. 577 00:27:36,742 --> 00:27:39,353 That one did happen. 578 00:27:44,097 --> 00:27:46,229 You know, I've been feeling like my comedy 579 00:27:46,273 --> 00:27:48,057 could really make a difference, like, 580 00:27:48,101 --> 00:27:49,972 the more I open up on stage, 581 00:27:50,016 --> 00:27:53,323 the, the more I change the world. 582 00:27:53,367 --> 00:27:56,152 [laughs]: Is that completely narcissistic and delusional? 583 00:27:56,196 --> 00:27:58,198 Uh, yes, but I don't mind it. 584 00:27:58,241 --> 00:28:00,591 I like this new you. 585 00:28:00,635 --> 00:28:03,072 So do I. 586 00:28:11,167 --> 00:28:14,344 Hey, um, do you remember that guy we ran into 587 00:28:14,388 --> 00:28:17,347 who you defended, and then later you found out he totally 588 00:28:17,391 --> 00:28:18,914 did do all those horrible things? 589 00:28:18,958 --> 00:28:20,263 I can't believe I said that. 590 00:28:20,307 --> 00:28:22,309 No, no, no, it's good that you told me. 591 00:28:22,352 --> 00:28:24,180 What did you say the guy's name was again? 592 00:28:24,224 --> 00:28:25,878 I can't tell you that. 593 00:28:25,921 --> 00:28:27,053 Yes, you can. 594 00:28:27,096 --> 00:28:28,707 David says a good defense attorney 595 00:28:28,750 --> 00:28:30,839 never lets her opinions seep into...Oh, great, David. 596 00:28:30,883 --> 00:28:32,798 Really? 597 00:28:32,841 --> 00:28:35,844 I'm so sorry I mentioned my friend's name in passing. 598 00:28:35,888 --> 00:28:37,716 No, no, no, keep going. There's gonna be a great story. 599 00:28:37,759 --> 00:28:40,196 I've been starved for some of that David Kandel wisdom. 600 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:41,937 And I've been starved for some of that 601 00:28:41,981 --> 00:28:43,983 Samir Wassan jealous prick routine. 602 00:28:44,026 --> 00:28:46,942 Jealous prick? Okay. Routine? Wow. 603 00:28:46,986 --> 00:28:48,639 Why, what would you call it? 604 00:28:48,683 --> 00:28:50,772 What would I call a law professor 605 00:28:50,816 --> 00:28:53,732 who's always having romantic dinners with his former student, 606 00:28:53,775 --> 00:28:55,864 my girlfriend?They are not romantic. 607 00:28:55,908 --> 00:28:58,737 David is my friend, and my mentor... 608 00:28:58,780 --> 00:29:01,609 Oh, mentor. Okay. Yeah, why was I worried? 609 00:29:01,652 --> 00:29:03,611 There's no way a mentor would try 610 00:29:03,654 --> 00:29:05,656 and fuck an attractive student. 611 00:29:05,700 --> 00:29:07,441 Screw you, Samir. 612 00:29:07,484 --> 00:29:10,226 "Screw you." That's really good. Are you taking argument classes? 613 00:29:10,270 --> 00:29:12,141 'Cause that's still some beginner shit. 614 00:29:12,185 --> 00:29:14,100 Maybe move up to "Go fuck yourself." 615 00:29:14,143 --> 00:29:16,276 Rena? 616 00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:36,818 SAMIR: So I met a murderer today. 617 00:29:36,862 --> 00:29:38,124 I did. 618 00:29:38,167 --> 00:29:40,430 I actually met a murderer. 619 00:29:40,474 --> 00:29:43,651 I was talking to this tattooed guy on the bus, 620 00:29:43,694 --> 00:29:49,048 and he just straight-up told me that he murdered someone. 621 00:29:49,091 --> 00:29:50,440 You know, I guess it makes sense, 622 00:29:50,484 --> 00:29:51,877 'cause if I was a murderer, 623 00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:53,704 I would want to tell people, too, you know? 624 00:29:53,748 --> 00:29:56,707 Pride in what you do is important. 625 00:29:58,927 --> 00:30:00,102 Although, it seems like 626 00:30:00,146 --> 00:30:01,625 resisting the urge to tell people 627 00:30:01,669 --> 00:30:06,021 might be an important life skill for a murderer. 628 00:30:06,065 --> 00:30:07,675 [man coughs] 629 00:30:09,938 --> 00:30:12,158 Buck. His name was Buck. 630 00:30:13,463 --> 00:30:14,638 Buck. 631 00:30:14,682 --> 00:30:16,815 From Pennsylvania? 632 00:30:16,858 --> 00:30:19,818 Unless he gave me a fake name. 633 00:30:19,861 --> 00:30:21,254 I, uh... 634 00:30:21,297 --> 00:30:22,821 [phone chimes] 635 00:30:33,179 --> 00:30:36,747 I've got something you guys might like. 636 00:30:36,791 --> 00:30:40,273 Do you guys have a girlfriend who's got, like, 637 00:30:40,316 --> 00:30:42,449 a creepy older "mentor"? 638 00:30:42,492 --> 00:30:46,366 [laughter and applause] 639 00:30:53,764 --> 00:30:56,855 You know, who's, like, just her friend, 640 00:30:56,898 --> 00:30:59,683 and not trying to sleep with her at all. 641 00:30:59,727 --> 00:31:04,340 Just some older, white, pretentious motherfucker. 642 00:31:04,384 --> 00:31:08,170 With his fucking little beard, and he knows everything. 643 00:31:08,214 --> 00:31:10,956 This guy knows everything. 644 00:31:10,999 --> 00:31:13,175 And then youget in trouble. 645 00:31:15,090 --> 00:31:17,266 You get called a jealous boyfriend 646 00:31:17,310 --> 00:31:20,182 for trying to save her from getting MeToo'd 647 00:31:20,226 --> 00:31:22,445 by fucking David Kandel? 648 00:31:25,057 --> 00:31:27,798 [cheering and applause] 649 00:31:31,237 --> 00:31:32,281 Wow. 650 00:31:32,325 --> 00:31:35,806 "Top Comedians to Follow," huh? 651 00:31:35,850 --> 00:31:37,504 Oh, yeah. 652 00:31:37,547 --> 00:31:39,158 I forgot about that. 653 00:31:39,201 --> 00:31:42,117 Must be so exciting for you to know someone on that list. 654 00:31:42,161 --> 00:31:43,292 You've been strutting around here 655 00:31:43,336 --> 00:31:44,946 like the cock of the walk lately. 656 00:31:44,990 --> 00:31:46,252 [chuckles] Great metaphor. 657 00:31:46,295 --> 00:31:47,906 Hey, I'm a little busy right now. 658 00:31:47,949 --> 00:31:50,169 Could you text my assistant, 'cause I want to talk. 659 00:31:50,212 --> 00:31:52,519 Don't make me hurt you, Samir. 660 00:31:52,562 --> 00:31:54,956 [quietly]: Hey, baby. 661 00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:56,436 Hey. 662 00:31:56,479 --> 00:31:58,873 Hilarious as always, Samir. 663 00:32:02,181 --> 00:32:03,312 Hey, what would your, uh, mentor David 664 00:32:03,356 --> 00:32:04,574 have thought of that set? 665 00:32:04,618 --> 00:32:06,881 What are you talking about? 666 00:32:06,925 --> 00:32:08,927 Wait, where are you going? 667 00:32:08,970 --> 00:32:11,842 I have to get to my shift. 668 00:32:11,886 --> 00:32:14,497 W-What shift? 669 00:32:15,411 --> 00:32:17,239 Rena, what's wrong? 670 00:32:17,283 --> 00:32:19,633 I'm late. You gonna get me fired? 671 00:32:19,676 --> 00:32:20,895 Okay. 672 00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:22,853 Why would they have you come in now? 673 00:32:22,897 --> 00:32:24,464 And they're not gonna fire their best lawyer 674 00:32:24,507 --> 00:32:25,639 for being slightly late. 675 00:32:25,682 --> 00:32:28,598 Lawyer? Are you kidding me? 676 00:32:28,642 --> 00:32:31,079 Wait, wait, wait, you're, you're not a lawyer? 677 00:32:31,123 --> 00:32:32,863 Screw you. 678 00:32:36,041 --> 00:32:37,781 David Kandel. 679 00:32:37,825 --> 00:32:40,959 She doesn't have a career without fucking David Kandel. 680 00:32:52,274 --> 00:32:53,928 Rena, I screwed something up. 681 00:32:53,972 --> 00:32:56,844 You have screwed many things up, Samir, but I am late right now. 682 00:32:56,887 --> 00:32:57,888 I'm sorry. 683 00:32:57,932 --> 00:32:59,716 No, no, listen. I changed something. 684 00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:02,719 Okay? You were supposed to...Supposed to what? 685 00:33:02,763 --> 00:33:05,679 Keep waiting patiently for you to get your career together? 686 00:33:05,722 --> 00:33:06,636 No. 687 00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:08,073 Wait, where's your red coat? 688 00:33:08,116 --> 00:33:09,335 The one we got in Paris? 689 00:33:09,378 --> 00:33:10,597 What are you talking about?Paris. 690 00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:12,816 When we went to Paris. The... 691 00:33:14,688 --> 00:33:17,647 We never went to Paris 'cause we couldn't afford it. 692 00:33:17,691 --> 00:33:19,649 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 693 00:33:19,693 --> 00:33:21,347 Hey, hey, hey.I swear to God, 694 00:33:21,390 --> 00:33:23,131 if you touch me one more time... 695 00:33:23,175 --> 00:33:24,915 You okay, honey?I'm fine. 696 00:33:24,959 --> 00:33:26,482 She's fine. It's okay, it's okay. 697 00:33:26,526 --> 00:33:28,049 Okay, hey, hey, that was the trip 698 00:33:28,093 --> 00:33:29,355 that saved our relationship. 699 00:33:29,398 --> 00:33:31,096 But we didn't go on it...Saved our...? 700 00:33:31,139 --> 00:33:32,532 Listen, we couldn't go because you couldn't afford it, 701 00:33:32,575 --> 00:33:33,924 but now I can afford it, so... 702 00:33:33,968 --> 00:33:35,448 You're a dick, Samir. 703 00:33:35,491 --> 00:33:36,492 Okay, you don't understand... 704 00:33:36,536 --> 00:33:37,711 No, you don't understand. 705 00:33:37,754 --> 00:33:39,104 You don't think about how your actions 706 00:33:39,147 --> 00:33:40,627 affect me or anybody else. 707 00:33:40,670 --> 00:33:42,455 We're all just background to you. 708 00:33:42,498 --> 00:33:45,284 Material.COOK: Table 12. 709 00:33:49,810 --> 00:33:51,246 Hey. 710 00:33:51,290 --> 00:33:52,552 I'm sorry. I'm sorr-- hey. 711 00:33:52,595 --> 00:33:54,075 Remember when you gave me that advice, 712 00:33:54,119 --> 00:33:55,859 when you told me that I could be strong on stage? 713 00:33:55,903 --> 00:33:57,774 That I could play to my strengths? 714 00:33:57,818 --> 00:34:00,342 You said that I need to let go of stuff? 715 00:34:00,386 --> 00:34:02,475 So I did that. I did that for us. I did that, 716 00:34:02,518 --> 00:34:03,867 I did that for you. 717 00:34:03,911 --> 00:34:06,044 You said it was okay to punch. 718 00:34:06,087 --> 00:34:08,046 When am I gonna be the joke? 719 00:34:08,089 --> 00:34:10,874 This argument, when's that gonna show up in your act? 720 00:34:10,918 --> 00:34:12,180 We're done, Samir. 721 00:34:12,224 --> 00:34:14,182 No, no, no. No, no, no. 722 00:34:14,226 --> 00:34:16,228 Listen to me. Listen to me. 723 00:34:16,271 --> 00:34:18,708 I have this power, okay? 724 00:34:18,752 --> 00:34:20,580 I have this superpower.[stifled laugh] 725 00:34:20,623 --> 00:34:22,886 I do. The reason you're doing this right now... 726 00:34:22,930 --> 00:34:24,714 The reason I'm doing this right now, Samir, 727 00:34:24,758 --> 00:34:28,022 is that you are a selfish asshole. 728 00:34:39,468 --> 00:34:41,601 ♪ 729 00:34:55,267 --> 00:34:57,443 ♪ 730 00:35:26,167 --> 00:35:28,082 [yells] 731 00:35:50,974 --> 00:35:54,543 [cheering and applause]Thank you. 732 00:35:54,587 --> 00:35:57,764 What do you think it's like to have a penis? 733 00:35:57,807 --> 00:35:59,244 Obviously... 734 00:36:02,377 --> 00:36:05,075 That cute little Indian girl dumped you, huh? 735 00:36:05,119 --> 00:36:07,948 Shit, man, that sucks. I'm sorry. 736 00:36:07,991 --> 00:36:10,907 For you, I'm sorry for you. 'Cause that was just 737 00:36:10,951 --> 00:36:14,084 clearly the right decision for her, you know? 738 00:36:14,128 --> 00:36:17,218 She's all I know, I... 739 00:36:17,262 --> 00:36:19,438 I don't know what I am without her. 740 00:36:19,481 --> 00:36:20,961 [applause in distance] 741 00:36:21,004 --> 00:36:22,919 My... 742 00:36:22,963 --> 00:36:25,095 career's finally taking off. 743 00:36:25,139 --> 00:36:27,097 Can't win at everything, right? 744 00:36:27,141 --> 00:36:29,535 People think I'm funny. 745 00:36:29,578 --> 00:36:31,537 You know how hard it's been for me, 746 00:36:31,580 --> 00:36:33,669 people not thinking I was funny? 747 00:36:33,713 --> 00:36:36,237 Yeah. Yeah. Yes. 748 00:36:36,281 --> 00:36:37,586 I hear you. 749 00:36:37,630 --> 00:36:40,546 Maybe this is how it goes. 750 00:36:40,589 --> 00:36:44,680 You get something, you got to give something up. 751 00:36:51,687 --> 00:36:53,385 Samir, 752 00:36:53,428 --> 00:36:57,345 if you go on a murder rampage, 753 00:36:57,389 --> 00:36:59,521 can you try not to do it while I'm here, please? 754 00:36:59,565 --> 00:37:03,046 And just to be clear, I say that not because 755 00:37:03,090 --> 00:37:05,875 you're brown, I say it because 756 00:37:05,919 --> 00:37:08,269 "you're a man," sort of. 757 00:37:08,313 --> 00:37:09,531 PETE: There's my two little stars. 758 00:37:09,575 --> 00:37:12,055 There's our weird, creepy uncle. 759 00:37:12,099 --> 00:37:13,143 [laughs] 760 00:37:13,187 --> 00:37:14,623 [chuckles] Weird, creepy laugh. 761 00:37:14,667 --> 00:37:15,624 So, 762 00:37:15,668 --> 00:37:18,148 Candy Gower from The Gower Hour 763 00:37:18,192 --> 00:37:19,454 is coming to the late set tonight. 764 00:37:19,498 --> 00:37:21,804 Okay.And she is here for you two. 765 00:37:21,848 --> 00:37:23,328 Two? 766 00:37:23,371 --> 00:37:24,807 PETE: You didn't hear this from me, 767 00:37:24,851 --> 00:37:26,635 but The Gower Hourneeds a new cast member, 768 00:37:26,679 --> 00:37:29,290 and it's pretty much narrowed down to two up-and-coming comics 769 00:37:29,334 --> 00:37:31,814 you may have heard of named you and you. 770 00:37:31,858 --> 00:37:33,468 Doesn't know our names. 771 00:37:33,512 --> 00:37:36,036 EMCEE: Please welcome Samir Wassan. 772 00:37:36,079 --> 00:37:37,124 He's Samir Wassan. 773 00:37:37,167 --> 00:37:39,953 Ah. He just said it. So... 774 00:37:41,563 --> 00:37:43,348 [cheering and applause] 775 00:37:54,010 --> 00:37:56,448 SAMIR: The Second Amendment says... 776 00:37:56,491 --> 00:38:01,409 uh, "A well regulated..." 777 00:38:07,241 --> 00:38:10,897 My football coach was a rapist. 778 00:38:13,682 --> 00:38:16,816 WOMAN: What did he just say? 779 00:38:16,859 --> 00:38:18,470 Right. 780 00:38:18,513 --> 00:38:20,689 You need fresh blood. 781 00:38:20,733 --> 00:38:22,604 GABE: What we need is jokes. 782 00:38:22,648 --> 00:38:25,346 Who said that? Who fucking said that? 783 00:38:25,390 --> 00:38:28,523 It was me. 784 00:38:28,567 --> 00:38:30,438 So you think you're funny? 785 00:38:31,396 --> 00:38:34,703 No, we just think you're not. 786 00:38:34,747 --> 00:38:37,097 [laughter] 787 00:38:37,140 --> 00:38:39,534 MAN: Ooh... 788 00:38:39,578 --> 00:38:42,145 [cheering and applause] 789 00:38:42,189 --> 00:38:45,888 Okay. Okay. 790 00:38:45,932 --> 00:38:48,978 What's your name? 791 00:38:49,022 --> 00:38:51,416 What's everybody's name? 792 00:38:55,333 --> 00:38:56,812 Gabe. 793 00:38:56,856 --> 00:38:58,684 Will. 794 00:38:58,727 --> 00:39:02,252 Uh-huh. And where do you guys work? 795 00:39:02,296 --> 00:39:04,733 Uh, we work at Wellspring Capital. 796 00:39:04,777 --> 00:39:06,866 So you're, what, like, hedge fund guys? 797 00:39:06,909 --> 00:39:08,737 WILL: Yeah, actually, 798 00:39:08,781 --> 00:39:11,305 we invest in hedge funds. 799 00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:12,872 Wow. [laughs] 800 00:39:12,915 --> 00:39:15,657 GABE: Yeah. Wow is right, bro. 801 00:39:15,701 --> 00:39:17,659 We're talking about-- 802 00:39:17,703 --> 00:39:21,968 count 'em-- mm... nine figures. 803 00:39:22,011 --> 00:39:23,622 Nine figures! 804 00:39:23,665 --> 00:39:26,320 I-I got to give it to you, that actually is impressive. 805 00:39:26,364 --> 00:39:30,280 You know, I love guys like this. 806 00:39:30,324 --> 00:39:32,108 [laughter] 807 00:39:32,152 --> 00:39:34,372 [cheering and applause] 808 00:39:38,985 --> 00:39:41,683 They get off work after a long day 809 00:39:41,727 --> 00:39:45,731 of investing in hedge funds-- did I get that right? 810 00:39:45,774 --> 00:39:48,777 Want to make sure I get the details right here. 811 00:39:48,821 --> 00:39:51,954 These guys are like, "Oh, we're gonna go to a comedy club, 812 00:39:51,998 --> 00:39:53,913 "we're gonna heckle the comedian. 813 00:39:55,088 --> 00:39:58,657 And tell everyone how much money we make." 814 00:40:00,833 --> 00:40:04,445 Gabe and Will, ladies and gentlemen. 815 00:40:04,489 --> 00:40:07,187 Gabe and Will. 816 00:40:08,667 --> 00:40:10,973 [cheering and applause] 817 00:40:14,499 --> 00:40:15,848 [whooping] 818 00:40:30,602 --> 00:40:32,299 [exhales] 819 00:40:32,342 --> 00:40:33,474 It's you and me, huh? 820 00:40:33,518 --> 00:40:34,475 Not now. 821 00:40:34,519 --> 00:40:35,911 Oh, yeah. Now. 822 00:40:38,131 --> 00:40:40,176 It's one spot. 823 00:40:40,220 --> 00:40:42,744 One spot. [chuckles] 824 00:40:42,788 --> 00:40:46,182 On The Gower Hour. 825 00:40:46,226 --> 00:40:47,923 [scatting] 826 00:40:47,967 --> 00:40:50,143 [laughs] 827 00:40:50,186 --> 00:40:53,842 That shit should have gone straight to me. 828 00:40:53,886 --> 00:40:57,933 I have been the MVP up in here for a minute. 829 00:40:57,977 --> 00:40:59,369 But somehow, 830 00:40:59,413 --> 00:41:00,675 suddenly, 831 00:41:00,719 --> 00:41:02,590 you get funny. 832 00:41:02,634 --> 00:41:04,679 How does that happen, huh? 833 00:41:04,723 --> 00:41:06,855 How the hell you pull that off? 834 00:41:06,899 --> 00:41:08,640 Didi, we really don't have to do this 835 00:41:08,683 --> 00:41:09,858 right now. What? 836 00:41:09,902 --> 00:41:12,034 I'm not gonna go on stage tonight.What? 837 00:41:12,078 --> 00:41:13,514 What are you talking about?I don't want it. 838 00:41:13,558 --> 00:41:15,864 You can have it. I don't want it.No. No, that is some-- 839 00:41:15,908 --> 00:41:17,779 I-I'm not...No, fuck you. No. 840 00:41:17,823 --> 00:41:21,827 No, I am not about to let you do that shit. 841 00:41:21,870 --> 00:41:23,524 Why not? 842 00:41:23,568 --> 00:41:24,786 'Cause you're good. 843 00:41:24,830 --> 00:41:26,527 You've been fucking killing it. 844 00:41:26,571 --> 00:41:29,312 And I'm honestly kind of embarrassed 845 00:41:29,356 --> 00:41:32,272 that I didn't see how funny you were from the start. 846 00:41:32,315 --> 00:41:34,143 But you can't stop now. 847 00:41:34,187 --> 00:41:36,406 So, I came in here to tell you that if, 848 00:41:36,450 --> 00:41:38,539 that if Candy Gower chooses you, 849 00:41:38,583 --> 00:41:39,888 well, then I would be happy. 850 00:41:39,932 --> 00:41:41,716 'Cause it would be a good choice. 851 00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:45,285 WOMAN [over P.A.]: Didi to the stage. Didi to the stage.Oh. 852 00:41:45,328 --> 00:41:48,375 So no more of this bullshit about 853 00:41:48,418 --> 00:41:50,725 "Oh, I'm not gonna go up," 854 00:41:50,769 --> 00:41:53,075 and "Oh, my goodness, I have a vagina 855 00:41:53,119 --> 00:41:55,382 "and it's hurting and I'm on my period 856 00:41:55,425 --> 00:41:56,862 and I can't find tampons" 857 00:41:56,905 --> 00:41:59,255 or whatever the fuck you're talking about. 858 00:41:59,299 --> 00:42:00,735 Okay? 859 00:42:00,779 --> 00:42:02,345 I'll see you... 860 00:42:02,389 --> 00:42:03,738 on stage. 861 00:42:03,782 --> 00:42:06,567 [sniffs] And may the baddest bitch win. 862 00:42:06,611 --> 00:42:09,657 Which is me, by the way. 863 00:42:09,701 --> 00:42:11,746 WOMAN [over P.A.]: Didi, you're on deck. 864 00:42:11,790 --> 00:42:14,619 Didi? You're on deck. 865 00:42:17,796 --> 00:42:19,624 I swear to God... 866 00:42:19,667 --> 00:42:23,584 if I were straight, I would... 867 00:42:25,151 --> 00:42:27,283 ...probably be with a Idris Elba-type dude. 868 00:42:27,327 --> 00:42:30,460 But I would throw you some pussy every now and again 869 00:42:30,504 --> 00:42:33,333 out of respect for your comedy. 870 00:42:33,376 --> 00:42:35,291 Thank you.Mm-hmm. 871 00:42:35,335 --> 00:42:37,555 Kill it tonight, boo. 872 00:42:37,598 --> 00:42:39,687 Whoo! 873 00:42:40,993 --> 00:42:42,951 [laughs] 874 00:42:42,995 --> 00:42:44,605 [knocking] 875 00:42:44,649 --> 00:42:46,607 Let's get it! 876 00:42:56,922 --> 00:42:58,793 DEVEN: The club's called Eddies 877 00:42:58,837 --> 00:43:00,316 and you'd think that it would be Eddie's 878 00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:02,841 but then that sign says that it's Eddies. 879 00:43:02,884 --> 00:43:04,886 But then this sign's saying that, 880 00:43:04,930 --> 00:43:06,801 no, itis actually Eddie's, 881 00:43:06,845 --> 00:43:09,238 it's just that we don't allow apostrophes, 882 00:43:09,282 --> 00:43:11,284 so now it's Eddies. 883 00:43:18,508 --> 00:43:21,424 [grunts] 884 00:43:21,468 --> 00:43:23,296 Oh. 885 00:43:25,211 --> 00:43:26,604 [panting] 886 00:43:26,647 --> 00:43:28,344 There you are. 887 00:43:28,388 --> 00:43:30,303 Didi's up next, then you. You ready? 888 00:43:30,346 --> 00:43:33,219 What the hell are you doing on the floor? 889 00:43:33,262 --> 00:43:34,742 Is Candy Gower here? 890 00:43:34,786 --> 00:43:36,831 You bet your dick she is. 891 00:43:36,875 --> 00:43:39,878 This is it, kid. This is it. 892 00:43:42,054 --> 00:43:44,186 JC: This is it, kid. 893 00:43:44,230 --> 00:43:46,493 This is it. 894 00:43:46,536 --> 00:43:48,669 What did you do to me? 895 00:43:48,713 --> 00:43:50,149 Do to you? 896 00:43:50,192 --> 00:43:52,368 I just told you how to get what you wanted. 897 00:43:52,412 --> 00:43:54,675 I wanted to make people laugh, I did not want 898 00:43:54,719 --> 00:43:56,068 to make them disappear. 899 00:43:56,111 --> 00:43:58,331 I wanted to be the next Chris Rock. 900 00:43:58,374 --> 00:43:59,680 Not evil... 901 00:43:59,724 --> 00:44:01,464 David Copperfield. 902 00:44:01,508 --> 00:44:04,206 I warned you what would happen if you put stuff out there. 903 00:44:04,250 --> 00:44:07,383 You did not tell me I was gonna be murdering people. 904 00:44:09,951 --> 00:44:11,300 Murdering people? 905 00:44:11,344 --> 00:44:13,215 Now who the hell is murdering people? 906 00:44:13,259 --> 00:44:16,436 You can't murder people who never existed. 907 00:44:16,479 --> 00:44:17,742 That's semantics. 908 00:44:17,785 --> 00:44:20,701 There are no crying moms. 909 00:44:20,745 --> 00:44:22,921 It's not murder if there are no crying moms. 910 00:44:22,964 --> 00:44:25,358 See, that's the criteria for murder. 911 00:44:25,401 --> 00:44:28,230 Willful, premeditated, 912 00:44:28,274 --> 00:44:30,232 crying moms. 913 00:44:31,103 --> 00:44:33,105 But...But what? 914 00:44:33,148 --> 00:44:34,802 These people were never born. 915 00:44:36,369 --> 00:44:37,892 Now, you might think you remember them 916 00:44:37,936 --> 00:44:40,199 but you're incorrect. They're gone. 917 00:44:40,242 --> 00:44:41,417 They're gone. 918 00:44:41,461 --> 00:44:42,767 They are gone. 919 00:44:45,465 --> 00:44:46,901 But where do they go? 920 00:44:46,945 --> 00:44:48,598 WOMAN [over P.A.]: Samir Wassan, 921 00:44:48,642 --> 00:44:49,774 you're up next in five. 922 00:44:49,817 --> 00:44:51,732 You still have a chance. 923 00:44:51,776 --> 00:44:55,431 To get the success you said you wanted more than anything. 924 00:44:55,475 --> 00:44:57,346 Why stop now? 925 00:44:57,390 --> 00:44:59,392 You're so close. 926 00:44:59,435 --> 00:45:01,394 Finish it. 927 00:45:01,437 --> 00:45:03,048 Use what you got. 928 00:45:03,091 --> 00:45:04,789 Weaponize that shit. 929 00:45:04,832 --> 00:45:08,053 Bring down the motherfucking house. 930 00:45:14,973 --> 00:45:16,931 Oh, shit. Okay, so, 931 00:45:16,975 --> 00:45:18,890 [fading]: so many people talk about how hard it is... 932 00:45:22,415 --> 00:45:24,373 [high-pitched ringing] 933 00:45:30,423 --> 00:45:32,512 So... 934 00:45:32,555 --> 00:45:34,514 ♪ 935 00:45:35,820 --> 00:45:37,299 DIDI: Um... 936 00:45:39,432 --> 00:45:40,781 She's so fine... 937 00:45:40,825 --> 00:45:42,652 [continues indistinctly] 938 00:45:42,696 --> 00:45:44,002 But you know what? 939 00:45:44,045 --> 00:45:47,048 [continues indistinctly] 940 00:45:47,788 --> 00:45:49,442 [muffled laughter] 941 00:45:49,485 --> 00:45:51,705 And that is a pussy-eating joke.[cheering] 942 00:45:51,749 --> 00:45:53,925 You guys have been amazing. 943 00:45:53,968 --> 00:45:56,362 I'm Didi Scott. Thank you so much. 944 00:45:56,405 --> 00:45:57,667 [cheering continues] 945 00:45:57,711 --> 00:45:58,799 Oh, oh! 946 00:45:58,843 --> 00:46:00,540 [audience whooping] 947 00:46:08,069 --> 00:46:10,202 [applause continues] 948 00:46:11,856 --> 00:46:14,510 That was amazing. 949 00:46:14,554 --> 00:46:15,947 That was hilarious. 950 00:46:15,990 --> 00:46:17,426 [applause continues] 951 00:46:17,470 --> 00:46:20,255 Keep it going for the incredible Di... 952 00:46:24,738 --> 00:46:26,522 [mouthing] 953 00:46:26,566 --> 00:46:28,873 [applause continues] 954 00:46:28,916 --> 00:46:30,918 Please keep it going... 955 00:46:32,572 --> 00:46:34,313 [voice breaking]: Please keep it going... 956 00:46:36,881 --> 00:46:38,360 Please keep it going 957 00:46:38,404 --> 00:46:41,537 for the incredible Didi Scott, everyone. 958 00:46:50,590 --> 00:46:53,723 [loud laughter]Karen Conroy, she broke my heart. 959 00:46:53,767 --> 00:46:55,987 Lizzy Appleman, what a bitch! 960 00:46:56,030 --> 00:46:57,075 Mary Beth Bryce! 961 00:46:57,118 --> 00:46:58,598 She didn't even know I was alive! 962 00:46:58,641 --> 00:47:02,210 Bye-bye! Mrs. Kern from Westlake High. 963 00:47:02,254 --> 00:47:04,082 B-plus. You're gone! 964 00:47:04,125 --> 00:47:05,866 Sarah Vollman. 965 00:47:05,910 --> 00:47:08,347 Oh, my parents' friends' kid, Neel. 966 00:47:08,390 --> 00:47:11,176 I don't like how he looks at me. 967 00:47:11,219 --> 00:47:13,308 Parson twins! Fuck them both! 968 00:47:13,352 --> 00:47:15,223 Um, Yuri Bhattacharya. 969 00:47:15,267 --> 00:47:16,616 Yuri Bhattacharya's mom. 970 00:47:16,659 --> 00:47:19,488 Let's go for it! Yuri Bhattacharya's fucking dog! 971 00:47:19,532 --> 00:47:21,012 Ah, Serena Tam! 972 00:47:21,055 --> 00:47:24,189 She wouldn't share her lunch... Fuck you, bitch! 973 00:47:24,232 --> 00:47:26,931 Uh, um, Billy Chung! 974 00:47:26,974 --> 00:47:28,062 From college. 975 00:47:28,106 --> 00:47:29,411 Fuck Billy Chung! 976 00:47:29,455 --> 00:47:31,500 Goodbye! Uh... 977 00:47:31,544 --> 00:47:34,329 You know what? Dr. Baldwin, my dentist? 978 00:47:34,373 --> 00:47:36,114 Fuck him! Fuck root canals! 979 00:47:36,157 --> 00:47:38,072 [laughter] 980 00:47:38,116 --> 00:47:39,813 Thank you! 981 00:47:39,857 --> 00:47:41,684 I like that. 982 00:47:41,728 --> 00:47:44,949 Uh... Skip Torrance, Jana Torrance! 983 00:47:44,992 --> 00:47:46,254 All the Torrances! 984 00:47:46,298 --> 00:47:49,170 [woman boos] 985 00:47:49,214 --> 00:47:50,519 "Boo"? 986 00:47:50,563 --> 00:47:53,174 [woman boos] 987 00:47:53,218 --> 00:47:55,611 Really? Read the fucking room. 988 00:47:55,655 --> 00:47:57,439 [microphone feedback] 989 00:47:57,483 --> 00:47:59,180 What are you doing here? 990 00:47:59,224 --> 00:48:02,270 You shouldn't be here. 991 00:48:02,314 --> 00:48:04,882 You have something to say to me in the middle of my act? 992 00:48:04,925 --> 00:48:06,535 Your "act"? 993 00:48:06,579 --> 00:48:08,233 I hear this kid kills hecklers. 994 00:48:08,276 --> 00:48:09,887 This is gonna be good. 995 00:48:10,975 --> 00:48:12,933 This is your act. 996 00:48:12,977 --> 00:48:15,153 I found it. 997 00:48:15,196 --> 00:48:18,286 It's just names, Samir. 998 00:48:18,330 --> 00:48:20,245 I don't even know who these people are. 999 00:48:20,288 --> 00:48:21,594 People who wronged you, 1000 00:48:21,637 --> 00:48:23,117 people you don't like. 1001 00:48:23,161 --> 00:48:27,034 Your act is just you being superior to other people. 1002 00:48:27,078 --> 00:48:28,340 Taking them down. 1003 00:48:28,383 --> 00:48:29,297 Go ahead. 1004 00:48:29,341 --> 00:48:31,125 Use me. Use me for fuel. 1005 00:48:31,169 --> 00:48:33,954 Burn me up so you can get where you always wanted to go. 1006 00:48:33,998 --> 00:48:35,129 Do it. 1007 00:48:35,173 --> 00:48:36,870 What's stopping you? 1008 00:48:51,580 --> 00:48:52,799 Okay. 1009 00:48:52,842 --> 00:48:54,583 You want to hear the whole story? 1010 00:48:56,063 --> 00:48:58,326 You're right, I have been selfish. 1011 00:48:58,370 --> 00:49:00,981 You said it and I heard it. 1012 00:49:01,025 --> 00:49:03,897 I don't know if anybody else could've gotten me to hear that, 1013 00:49:03,941 --> 00:49:06,378 but you sure know how to get me to hear things. 1014 00:49:06,421 --> 00:49:08,728 But I don't want to talk to you about that tonight, 1015 00:49:08,771 --> 00:49:10,686 ladies and gentlemen. 1016 00:49:10,730 --> 00:49:14,690 Tonight, I want to talk to you about someone I've known 1017 00:49:14,734 --> 00:49:16,388 a very long time. 1018 00:49:16,431 --> 00:49:19,130 Clever, loveable in a lot of ways, 1019 00:49:19,173 --> 00:49:20,870 someone you'd think would be a good person 1020 00:49:20,914 --> 00:49:23,569 with a lot to offer the world. 1021 00:49:24,613 --> 00:49:26,354 Ladies and gentlemen... 1022 00:49:26,398 --> 00:49:29,183 tonight, I want to talk to you 1023 00:49:29,227 --> 00:49:30,968 about... 1024 00:49:33,579 --> 00:49:34,710 ...myself. 1025 00:49:34,754 --> 00:49:36,886 [laughter and applause] 1026 00:49:43,067 --> 00:49:44,720 I'm a comedian. 1027 00:49:44,764 --> 00:49:46,722 Which is a job like any other. 1028 00:49:46,766 --> 00:49:49,029 Except instead of climbing 1029 00:49:49,073 --> 00:49:50,813 into the gears of an enormous machine 1030 00:49:50,857 --> 00:49:53,773 to chase a hat, like I assume all of you do, 1031 00:49:53,816 --> 00:49:57,603 I come up here and I try and make people laugh. 1032 00:49:57,646 --> 00:50:00,910 Why? Because I want to spread joy? 1033 00:50:00,954 --> 00:50:03,043 Because I want the world to be a better place? 1034 00:50:03,087 --> 00:50:05,915 Nope! It's because I'm a garbage can 1035 00:50:05,959 --> 00:50:08,570 who needs lots of money and validation 1036 00:50:08,614 --> 00:50:10,572 emptied right into me! 1037 00:50:10,616 --> 00:50:12,226 I want people to come up to me 1038 00:50:12,270 --> 00:50:14,489 on the street and ask for selfies! 1039 00:50:14,533 --> 00:50:16,578 I don't even care if they know who I am. 1040 00:50:16,622 --> 00:50:18,276 I just want them to think 1041 00:50:18,319 --> 00:50:19,625 I'm somebody! 1042 00:50:19,668 --> 00:50:21,801 And I want to have it so much 1043 00:50:21,844 --> 00:50:23,237 that I want to be sick of it. 1044 00:50:23,281 --> 00:50:25,761 I want them to come up to me and I want to be like, 1045 00:50:25,805 --> 00:50:27,415 "Don't you know I'm just a garbage can 1046 00:50:27,459 --> 00:50:30,244 who wants to live my own life?" 1047 00:50:30,288 --> 00:50:32,290 Why do I want that? 1048 00:50:34,770 --> 00:50:36,859 I don't know. 1049 00:50:38,731 --> 00:50:40,733 But it doesn't matter. 1050 00:50:40,776 --> 00:50:42,735 I am a bully. 1051 00:50:42,778 --> 00:50:46,260 People are just material to me. 1052 00:50:46,304 --> 00:50:48,697 I throw them away. 1053 00:50:48,741 --> 00:50:51,874 I'm a country with one export 1054 00:50:51,918 --> 00:50:54,094 and there's really only one thing 1055 00:50:54,138 --> 00:50:56,053 left for me to give! 1056 00:50:59,882 --> 00:51:02,668 Ladies and gentlemen, 1057 00:51:02,711 --> 00:51:06,454 I've been Samir Wassan! 1058 00:51:06,498 --> 00:51:08,108 [cheering and applause] 1059 00:51:08,152 --> 00:51:10,067 ♪ 1060 00:51:27,693 --> 00:51:30,261 [indistinct chatter] 1061 00:51:30,304 --> 00:51:31,827 Hey. Hey, dude. 1062 00:51:31,871 --> 00:51:34,482 You have fun?Yeah, it was actually 1063 00:51:34,526 --> 00:51:36,702 really funny.Glad you liked it. 1064 00:51:37,616 --> 00:51:38,660 Oh, look. 1065 00:51:38,704 --> 00:51:40,140 Didi Scott's right there. 1066 00:51:40,184 --> 00:51:42,316 You want to say hi?No, I'm fine. 1067 00:51:42,360 --> 00:51:44,884 You sure? Well, I'm gonna. 1068 00:51:45,798 --> 00:51:48,017 Hey. You were hilarious. 1069 00:51:48,061 --> 00:51:50,281 Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. 1070 00:51:53,371 --> 00:51:56,374 Thank you. [clicks tongue] 1071 00:52:00,117 --> 00:52:01,814 Something to take the pain away. 1072 00:52:01,857 --> 00:52:03,729 [chuckles] Coming right up, Deeds. 1073 00:52:06,688 --> 00:52:08,864 Well, holy shit. 1074 00:52:08,908 --> 00:52:10,779 JC Wheeler. 1075 00:52:10,823 --> 00:52:13,391 In the fleshy flesh. 1076 00:52:13,434 --> 00:52:14,696 [gasps] 1077 00:52:14,740 --> 00:52:17,003 I saw your set. 1078 00:52:17,046 --> 00:52:18,744 [laughs] 1079 00:52:18,787 --> 00:52:20,615 Wow. If-- 1080 00:52:20,659 --> 00:52:22,400 If you had any notes... 1081 00:52:24,837 --> 00:52:27,187 NARRATOR: Samir Wassan learned the hard way 1082 00:52:27,231 --> 00:52:29,798 that sometimes, getting everything you want 1083 00:52:29,842 --> 00:52:32,192 means losing everything you love. 1084 00:52:32,236 --> 00:52:35,630 And after finally finding himself on the verge 1085 00:52:35,674 --> 00:52:37,371 of becoming somebody, 1086 00:52:37,415 --> 00:52:39,808 he chose instead to once again 1087 00:52:39,852 --> 00:52:41,854 be a nobody. 1088 00:52:41,897 --> 00:52:44,161 In the end, Samir's final encore 1089 00:52:44,204 --> 00:52:47,686 is a show you can only buy a ticket to... 1090 00:52:47,729 --> 00:52:49,688 in The Twilight Zone. 1091 00:52:49,731 --> 00:52:52,473 Captioning sponsored by CBS 1092 00:52:52,517 --> 00:52:55,868 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 1093 00:52:55,918 --> 00:53:00,468 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0